After much contemplation, I have decided to use the space for my first column to reflect upon my life and experiences over the seven years that have passed since Frigid Ember was spawned during a phone conversation in September of 1998.
As someone who generally has a difficult time with openness and exposing vulnerabilities, this will likely prove a daunting task. I’ve heard this sort of thing can be therapeutic, but I am not one for therapy.
Much of this will be a stream of conciousness, as memories tend to beget more memories. It may in places be disjointed, aimless, rambling, or irrelevant– but one can’t control how their mind works.
Over the last 7 years; I have fallen in love, fallen out of love, fallen in lust, been heartbroken, broken hearts, felt confused, stupid, smarter than I am, lonely, smothered, and apathetic.
I’ve thought about; changing my life drastically, not changing a thing, joining the merchant marines, moving to a desolate land, settling down, not ever settling down, fixing the world’s problems, and saying the hell with the rest of the world.
I have seen; a President impeached, a President elected under dubious circumstances as the city I call home turned into a media circus, corruption at all levels of government, honorable people inside of government, character assassinations, character redemption, and thousands die due to violence at home and abroad in the name of good, evil, and that place in between.
I have also seen; someone I cared about die from a horrible illness, my sister marry a great guy, a city I always wanted to visit get destroyed by a hurricane, and global warming turn those hurricanes into storms on steroids.
I have been; arrested, put in jail, a borderline alcoholic, a frequent flyer, a hiker, a camper, a fisherman, a poet, a musician, an uncoordinated athlete, a nice guy, a jerk, an attempted renaissance man, an asshole, a victim, a victimizer, a leader, and a follower.
I have gained; a lot of weight, several friendships that I value greatly, perspective, a dog, a cat, a house, jobs, nice things, culinary skills, and a desire to do more for those who are important to me.
I have lost; most of the weight I had gained, several friendships that I no longer valued as greatly, several fish, jobs, a lot of the ideals that I felt so strongly about when I was younger.
I have gone; to the mountains, the beach, the ocean, the Great Lakes, the Gulf of Mexico, New York, Chicago, Washington DC, Virginia, all over Alabama, all over Tennessee, all over Florida, up and down the eastern seaboard, and airports in all places in between.
I have watched: as emo music went from being about genuine emotion and great bands like Inside, to a prepackaged Hot-Topic friendly shadow of what it began as, marketed to neo-goth kids in eye liner and white belts who cut themselves listening to Atreyu instead of Marilyn Manson records; as bands of FE’s early days have broken up, reformed, and had reunions only to break up again; Tallahassee go from a place that no one wanted to play, to being a stop on most artist’s tour schedules thanks to venues no longer being shut down on a weekly basis.
I have read; countless books, philosophical theories, religious doctrines, pamphlets, flyers, magazines, newspapers, websites, and blogs.
This project began when I had been out “on my own” for about a month. People who have known me over this period will likely say I’ve changed a lot and I think they’d be right. However, though I like to think I’ve grown as a person, as a friend, and as a man over this time; I still make many of the same mistakes and poor decisions with regards to my life and the people in it that I made when FE and I were both still young and perhaps naďve.
What that says about me, I have no idea – but it’s been an interesting ride and I hope our current feeling of nostalgia for “the old days” when we used this magazine as an outlet for our creative senses will not fade. If it does not fade and we are still going strong, perhaps in another 7 years I’ll take another moment to reflect from my mansion in the clouds – because we’re pretty much a lock to be dominating the world by then.
Wyld Stalyns don’t have shit on us.